The Stories We Tell Ourselves

A few weeks ago, I was talking with a friend who was disappointed because another friend was unable to meet a request. The only response she received was, "I'm unable to help you." There was no additional explanation.

My friend was frustrated because, based on what she knew about this person, she believed they should have been able to help.

I asked, "How do you know?"

She responded, "Because I know her."

I pushed back.

"Yes, you know her. But you don't know her reasoning in this situation."

Many times, when we're faced with limited information—or we're sitting in disappointment—we create stories that align with our own narrative, beliefs, fears, pain, or lived experiences.

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Psychologists refer to this as confabulation. It's when our brains fill in the missing pieces of a story. Rather than tolerating uncertainty, we create an explanation that feels true because it matches what we're feeling in the moment.

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Our minds are trying to protect us by making sense of what happened, but the story isn't necessarily based on facts. It's often based on panic, disappointment, fear, or hurt.

We do this all the time.

You're interested in someone, but you don't want to reach out. Instead, you tell yourself, "I don't think they were interested anyway." Or, "I wasn't that interested in them."

Maybe there was a job opening you didn't apply for. You tell yourself, "I wasn't really interested in the position."

But if you're honest...

Maybe you didn't apply because you didn't want to compete with a coworker.

Maybe you were afraid of rejection.

Maybe you weren't sure you were qualified.

The story we tell ourselves often feels more comfortable than the truth we're avoiding.

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Breaking the Cycle

Get curious.

Yes, people don't owe you an explanation. But depending on your relationship with the person, you may be able to seek understanding instead of making assumptions.

Curiosity creates space for truth. Assumptions create stories based on fear and pain.

The same thing happens with opportunities.

Not applying for the job keeps you in a cycle of wanting something while never giving yourself the chance to have it. It reinforces the belief that you're not enough—even though you have no evidence that's true.

Instead, ask yourself:

"How do I know?"

And saying, "Because I know them," ain't it. 😂

Because you actually don't know.

If you don't have tangible evidence based on this situation, then you don't know. You're filling in the blanks with a story that feels true, not one that's been proven true.

The next time you find yourself assuming the worst, pause.

Get curious.

Gather more information if you can.

And if you can't...

Be careful not to confuse your story with the facts.

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 This is one of the reasons people come to therapy. Together, we slow down the stories your mind has created, separate assumptions from facts, and explore what evidence actually exists. From there, you can respond from a place of clarity instead of fear. We are here to support you.